Monday, November 1, 2010

These Are Not My Pants. . .

These Are Not My Pants. . .

It began as any other Saturday night before Halloween.

Children screaming, late babysitter, 36-year-old mother of two facing the age-old question, “Is this costume too slutty for me?” By the time hubby and I calmed the rugrats and made it downtown, I'd already grown distracted by the myriad of household chores left undone and the page-long grocery list left ungathered. Was I too old for this? Too boring? Was it a mistake to try to hit the hard-core social scene again? After all, the last time I went out and partied like it's 1999, it was, well, 1999.

I had nearly decided to bail when an extremely hot twenty-something guy dressed as a shirtless boxer handed me a Jello shot.

“TKO, beautiful,” he said.

“Thanks. Hey, don't you host the Bible studies group at my daughter's old pre-school?” I asked, to which he responded by putting on a shirt.

I stood alone, staring at the wobbly green “beverage” in my hand. Not that there's anything wrong with green gelatin, mind you, it's just that last time Jello shots were involved, I woke up queasy in Algiers wearing gold lamé pants borrowed from a bi-curious Brazilian male underwear model. And contrary to what my grandmother always said, it is not true that a woman can never have enough gold lamé in her closet. Brazilian male underwear models on the other hand. . .

Ah, but hark, sweet sanity! There is yet the matter of dear hubby.

Dressed as Han Solo, he nursed his beer in a corner, doing the white-man's-overbite as he discreetly danced the Humpty Hump alongside my friend Dorsey's husband. As you might imagine, the party life of a married, mid-thirties Springfield dweller is far diminished from that of a single, twenty-something New Orleanian. Saturday evening, for example, I spent a great deal of time worrying about the long-term hearing damage caused by repeated exposure to Eminem, and rather less time making out with Brazilian B-list celebrities. And, unlike the Jello shot debacle of 1999, it didn't take an act of Deus Ex Machina to end the party. I drank, I had some nachos, I sang karaoke (Britney Spears, God forgive me), then I got bored and went home. . . still wearing my own pants.

Quel dommage.

On the silver lining side of things, I did happen upon a lovely Brazilian male underwear model while “researching” my next hero.

Evandro Soldati, I raise my gold lamé party-pants in your honor. May you find a nice, Southern girl to lick your washboard abs clean of Jello shot debris.

And if you can't, well. . . I hear Springfield is lovely this time of year.


  1. Cecily,
    Love your post. Of course, I didn't actually read it for sometime, you understand--my computer froze for some reason;)

    Ah the challenges of parenthood at any age.
    Speaking of challenges, this Algiers thing....LOL

  2. LOL! Always love your post, Cecily!!
    However -- and nobody throw cyber-eggs at me - the model reminds me too much of Tom Cruise(I can't stand Tom)and he's way too clean cut(my rule: man must not be friends w/ razor) so I was forced to look lower than this guy's face........
    Life is hard. (Oh, I know you girls thought I was going to go straight to the hard pun......fooled you) LOL
    Hugs, Angels!!!

  3. Great post C!!! I loved it and smiled througout the whole thing!

    But...I have to say that I'm with Jenn on this. He looks WAY too much like Tom, and I don't like that, but we could always replace his head b/c his body is bangin'!! LOL!!


  4. WOW Cecily! I was too busy looking at him from the waist down to notice anything else, including that he looked like Tom. :-)

  5. B-E-A-utiful! Love the post! Oh, and the words you wrote too. Very, very funny.

  6. Mmm, normally I'd be right with you on the Tom Cruise thing.
    But then I close my eyes, and I hear this guy's soft, smooth voice whispering to me in Portuguese. And although I can't understand a single word he says, I find that all thoughts of Tom Cruise have dissolved like a damp square of single-ply toilet paper in the violent ocean of our passion.

    So, Jen, seriously? No razors at all?
    I dated a drummer in college with an anti-shaving philosophy and I swear, by Saturday morning I looked like I'd been macking with a Berber carpet.
    Am I alone on the sensitive skin issue?

    XO, C

  7. You are soooo not alone on the sensitive skin issue, Cecily! I've said this before, but it needs to be repeated. It just ain't fair that we have to spend hours on ourselves, plucking, shaving, Neet-ing and whatever the hell else any of us do to prepare for the world out there -- and then have our guys only shaving once every three or four or five days. My man has a goatee and mustache, but I love it when he shaves the rest of his face nice and smooth and trims his beard neatly. It's only fair, dammi.! Razor burn doesn't look good on anybody!

    God, i love your posts, Cecily! I always laugh my ass off right through them. And yeah, he looks a little like TC, and the whole Scientology thing (Matt...Matt...Matt...) is such a huge turn off. But let's face it, Tom never looked that good - not even in his Top Gun days. Now he's all nose, anyway.

    Great post and thanks for making me laugh...again!

  8. Razors: I let my hubby trim down to what looks like a 2 or 3 day beard -- but rarely a clean shave. He's probably done that twice/three times in 18 years.
    And that way I avoid the whole sensitive skin thing b/c his beard is always soft;)
    Thankfully I married a man who doesn't like to shave! HA

  9. ROFLMAO! Another great post, Cecily! I laughed all the way through it. I kinda see the Tom Cruise thing but I have to admit I was more focused on the happy trail area. :)

    Oh, and thanks for the visual there with the hot guy whispering sweet nothings in the ear. My oh my, ...yeah it so wouldn't matter that I couldn't understand him either. He could tell me where the restroom was and I'd be putty in his hands.


  10. ROTFL ladies! You all made me laugh so hard, especially you, Cecily! Great post! I admit I winced at the Tom Cruise similarity, however, his body totally made up for it. :D

    Cecily - where on earth did you meet these rock stars and models to wake up with? The only men who hit on me when I was in my 20's were old, bald men with the "I'm-your-sugar-daddy" complex! Needless to say, I did not wake up with any of them. :P

    As for the scruff - some men suit it while other suit cleanshaven. My DH suits the goatee real well, and I prefer it. As for the whisker burn - it works both way ladies! But that's a private topic for a get-together with lots of wine... :)

  11. You guys are hilarious! He does look like Tom, I didn't notice that right away...I guess my eye was drawn somewhere else. :)

  12. Cecily,

    I couldn't even tell you what the guy's face looked like until Jen mentioned it. As for facial hair, well I can go both way - sort of how I voted today - (A little democrat here, a little republican there.)

    Your post was hilarious and I can't wait to get details, details, details.


  13. Hmm, Kellie, three simple guidelines to hooking up with rock stars:
    Location, Location, and Low Self-Esteem.

    I grew up in New Orleans and tried never to date anyone for more than two weeks.
    'Nuff said.

    (Not that I couldn't come up with stuff to do for an extra week if confronted with the right Brazilian underwear model... Jello shots, anyone?)

  14. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!

    Now I see why we all get along so well....

    All we need is wine, the promise of more wine, the whole ACA gang and our imaginations together in one room! WOO-HOO!!!!

    Hell yeah, I'll take Jell-o shots!


  15. Ah, well, I had the low self-esteem, just not the location, I guess. Winnipeg isn't exactly teeming with celebrities. Guess I missed my chance...LOL

    So, Trish - I expect you to be making the jello shots on New year's eve??

    We all need to get a book published and go on tour! Look out world!!

  16. LOL!!! I can do that Kellie! Maybe we can get Lori in with it too! And I'm off New Years Eve and Day, so I can recuperate!