The first time I went to see Twilight was a dark day indeed.
The preparations began weeks in advance, including (but not limited to) a re-read of the novel, some light website stalking, People Magazine purchase, obsessive outfit selection, new shoe purchase, goth make-up tutorial and, of course, the theft of one of my husband's handkerchiefs so that I might delicately pat the drool away whenever Edward Cullen made a screen appearance. Imagine my surprise when, at the conclusion of the film, I found my kerchief saturated with drool, generated not by the urbane young Edward, but by (wait for it)-- Bella's dad.
That's right, of all the hunky man-meat in the movie, the one who most reliably lit up my nerve endings was not the elegant and talented vampire, nor the hot-blooded werewolf to be, nor even Edward's easygoing vampire brother Emmett (who, let's face it, is way hotter than Edward). It was the boring old guy with the fishing addiction and the cautious attitude.
And so you sit now, confused, stroking your chin and thinking, “WTF, really?”
Don't feel bad for thinking it, either. I, myself, stood paralyzed in front of the popcorn kiosk while my husband patiently tapped his foot and muttered, “Um, can we go now?”
“I just don't get it,” I kept saying. “I like danger. I think vampires are sexy. I would get naked with a werewolf.”
“Well,” he shrugged in the manner of husbands everywhere, “Bella's dad is more age appropriate for you.”
I gasped, hand flying to my delicate, ever-so-suckworthy throat. Age appropriate? Surely my darling husband didn't mean to imply that Hollywood Supermegastar Robert Pattinson would not be honored to make out with me in all my thirty-four year old glory. After all, was I not the same sprightly mischief-maker who had sneaked backstage to talk to Keanu Reeves at an outdoor production of Shakespeare's The Tempest? Was I not the vixen who had woken up (more than once) in the back of a tour bus wearing a British guitarist's t-shirt and boxers? Was my husband truly suggesting that a twentysomething Hollywood actor might be... inappropriate for me?
I gazed at Hubby, the love of my life, as he coaxed the popcorn kernels out of his gums with a toothpick. He stared at his watch, ticking down the seconds in the faint hope that we might make it home in time to put the kids to bed.
I sighed. “Yeah, that's probably it.”
And so it was there, at the Wehrenburg Theater concession stand, that I became a woman.
The sad truth is, I'd take my husband any day over those dashing young vampires (and not just because he looks like Ryan Reynolds... though it totally helps). Hubby's a good man, and a great dad, and his butt is nothing to sneeze at. But most of all, the simple fact is there's just nothing sexier than a man caring for his children.
So, today I raise a bottle of formula to all the other sexy daddies out there. I've compiled a list of my top five favorites. Feel free to add yours.
5. Mark Wahlberg
4. Billy Burke
3. Ben Affleck
2. Hugh Jackman
1. HGTV's Eric Stromer (Give this guy fangs and I might trade in Hubby for the weekend...)